I’m such a girl sometimes it makes me sick

I feel all weepy and over dramatic and wishy washy and sentimental and depressed and .... smushy. Can I invent a new word? Come on ladies, you (at least most of you) know how it feels. The only cure is to do one of the following: Watch stupid movies that make you cry happy and sad tears at the same time. Listen to stupid music that does the same thing. Fantasize about past relationships and imagine how things could be different (note- I am totally happily married and this in no way is an undermining of that, it is just fun sometimes to think about). Get out a journal and hash out everything you feel and think. I'm sure others have different methods.
Why oh why am I feeling this way? I blame this blog. It fully immersed me back into the feelings from way way way past relationships and the beginnings of my relationship with Whit and how addicting all those feelings are. The heartache and confusion and hope that make up new love.
How lame am I? Very pathetic, right? .........I hate being a girl sometimes.

Having a lazy day

.... and loving it! There is something so peaceful about having the whole family here, not doing anything but spending time together. I don't know if it counts really, because Whit is sleeping on the couch lol, but it is still nice.
Whit called in sick today, he has self diagnosed work-itis, and I'm afraid it is terminal. We're dealing with it day by day and hoping for a miracle cure.
Funny that he needed a 'real' reason to call in today, which was ostensibly going to Gillette today and grocery shopping. Do I think it will happen today? Eh. Probably not. I don't care though. I missed him so I will take being with him while he sleeps. He was gone all weekend hunting with a couple of friends. He had a great time and I'm so happy! He has needed some kind of male influence for quite some time. He works with women and idiots (the idiots are male) all day long and comes home to a houseful of girls. Pretty frustrating. I had to make sure he enjoyed coming home however, so (TMI ahead) our homecoming night was pretty spectacular
I'm just having a nice happy moment until the day disintegrates into the whiny, crying, messy, tired, and cranky "normal" that I'm used to.

I can’t think of a title for this one

I don't know where to start this. I have many many many irritations floating around in my head right now.
I am, by the world's standards, sort of 'crunchy.' I use cloth diapers, I (gasp) had a home birth (and no, I didn't have an epidural- I get asked that all the time), I delay and selectively vaccinate, I wear my baby, and I make my own baby food (oh and I breastfeed too). Honestly, that is not really much crunchiness. In Wyoming however, I seem to be seen as some kind of alien. Which is fine, I don't really care what people think of me. But everyone seems to think that because I do all these things that I automatically look down on anyone else that doesn't. Like if you don't have a home birth I think you're stupid or something. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I don't think I'm better than you. You do not have to make excuses to me about why you aren't choosing the things I am. I will not judge you for making a different choice than me just as long as you make your OWN CHOICES. The only thing I would judge you for is making a choice based on what someone else knows instead of finding out yourself -- but even then, I know what it is like to be young and impressionable so while I might feel sorry for you for not knowing better I probably won't say a word if you don't ask me!
Hmmmm. I haven't been as eloquent as I'd like, and I'm not sure I got my point across very well but I feel better. Sorry to anyone I've offended. Although there is probably only a couple people that read my blathering anyhow and I know they agree with me (thank you btw).

Get my happy back... a morose posting.

Depression is like a dark swirling whirlpool that would love nothing more than to drag me down to the very bottom and drown me. So why is it that sometimes when I stand on the brink looking in, it is so tempting to stick a foot in and let it pull on me? Is it possible that I enjoy being miserable? That really doesn't make any sense at all. I feel crazy sometimes. Maybe it is too hard to try, easier to not care. Today I feel like I am sitting by the edge soaking my feet in the whirlpool. It doesn't really feel good, but it is so hard to pull them out and dry them off.
I am grateful my feet are all that is soaking right now. I have been very close to the bottom before. It is a scary, uncontrollable feeling to be drowning. I don't ever want to be down there again but I can't help it when I dip my feet in or stumble and fall in completely. I want to put up barriers, a pool fence if you will, to keep me safe. I haven't found a material sturdy enough for my fence yet.
I want my happy back. I don't like the dark feelings that course through my brain sometimes. I want to be as carefree as I imagine other people are (I realize that is just an illusion, everyone has issues). Could I just have a day to be happy? I would take ignorant bliss even.
Who stole my happy? I should offer a reward. Call the police and tell them I need help (getting a little giggle imagining that phone call). Maybe I didn't lose it after all, it is just hiding from me. Maybe if I looked closer at my life and the many MANY blessings that are mine I could find it. Would I get it back? Or would I feel like I was looking at it through a thick pane of glass? No touching, no feeling, like in a museum? How many other people have lost their happy only to find it behind that impenetrable glass? At the happy museum how many displays would there be? Is your happy there too? Consorting with the other happys?
Tomorrow I hope I can stay drier. And someday I'd like to find that missing happy and break that damn glass.